Thursday, 6 June 2013

Road Placidity

I see the police are to be given powers to impose spot fines of up to £100 on tailgaters, middle-lane-hogs and the like.  Well, jolly good show, I say!  Here are a few other offences I’d add to the list:

·         Failing to raise a hand in recognition of someone giving way to them at a row of parked cars.

·         Pretending to make a gesture of thanks while in fact raising the middle finger of the left hand.

·         Blowing the horn after ten seconds when a driver lets a waiting vehicle out from a side street, thereby delaying the offender by twenty seconds from catching up with the half-mile tailback 200 yards ahead.

·         On the motorway, overtaking at two m.p.h. faster than the overtaken vehicle, and then reducing speed in front of them to two m.p.h. slower.

·         At a roundabout, not signalling left or right until actually turning left or right.

Any more, anybody?

A proportion, say 50%, of the fine should be donated by the state to the victim of these crimes, with the proviso that it must be spent, within six months, on something they wouldn’t otherwise have bought.  Should kickstart the economy.

The same principles should be applied to shopping trolleys.


  1. Hell yeah! All of the above. I would like to add one more to your list - not looking out for bikers. I do think something more than a fine though. I'm thinking a Judge Dredd style of retribution would be appropriate.

  2. Bravo! I hate letting someone in to a busy stream of traffic and then they haughtily flounce out like Royalty without so much as a sideways glance. I'd like authority to drive round the front of them, force them into the kerb and conduct a high-profile citizen's arrest with hands on the bonnet. Oh yes!

  3. I'm intrigued by the requirement to buy something one wouldn't otherwise have bought. Would it have to be something one actively doesn't want, or would simply useless be sufficient? If, let's say, someone who's allergic to fish bought some caviare, but then felt that was too wasteful and gave it to someone who'd enjoy it, would that be all right?

  4. I think you've covered it well, Tim. I get annoyed on all five counts.

  5. Presumably there will be a massive increase in high speed car chases to catch the offenders?

  6. No high speed chases. I am reliably informed by my Goofriend that next time you renew your tax disc they will require your bank or credit card details. So they don't chase you. They just punch in your registration number & take the fine from your account, whilst driving along behind you. If there are insufficient funds they ask you if your spouse will take the hit. If you have no spouse (or he/she refuses)they will advise HMRC to reflect it in your next tax demand.

  7. Sir B, Rog: now now, calm down lads! It's supposed to be placidity.
    Z, the details need thinking through, obv. But if you're actually caviare-allergic, you know where I live. Just have it delivered direct.
    Martin, with your imagination you must be able to come up with at least one more. Something to do with passing places on narrow lanes, perhaps?
    Richard, that's brilliant! Restores my faith in the authorities. Presumably they also record the victim's details, so can forward their share of the fine post haste. Saves petrol too.