Tuesday, 26 February 2013


Here are five items I expect to see in tomorrow’s papers.  One of them may be true.

A Twitter feed suggests that the entire priesthood of the Roman Catholic church is considering resigning, “just to be on the safe side.”

Tesco announces 2,000 job losses and 2,000 new jobs.

The Ministry of Justice is to set up a Royal Commission to investigate the abolition of trial by jury.  “They’re all thick, and they ask stupid questions, and they don’t always get it right,” said a senior judge.

Daniel Day Lewis is to be knighted in the Birthday Honours.  “I’m relaxed about being called Sir Dan,” he said, slipping into character for his next role in a biopic of Alan Sugar.

Standard & Poors and Fitch plan to upgrade the U.K. to a new credit rating, AAA+++.  “Them Moodys always gets it wrong, innit?” said a spokescomputer.


  1. I still can't get over the named Moody and Poore. They could only be funnier if they were called Broke and Buggered.

  2. Well, we can always hope.
    My incisive analysis of today's tomorrow's news is:
    Why only the priesthood?
    Every little helps.
    I've never been called for jury service; says it all, really.
    Mr Day-Lewis will stay in character throughout the making of the next 19 Star Wars films in which he will play the role of Bib Fortuna, a Twi'lek (he thought he was signing up for a film version of Carmina Burana). (In other news, Searching for Sugar Man is about neither Henry Tate nor Abram Lyle.)
    Gideon won't like that. We wants us to suffer.

  3. I shall read the papers to the Granddaughter and I'll tell her I heard it here first.