Here are five items I expect to see in tomorrow’s papers. One of them may be true.
A Twitter feed suggests that the entire priesthood of the Roman Catholic church is considering resigning, “just to be on the safe side.”
Tesco announces 2,000 job losses and 2,000 new jobs.
The Ministry of Justice is to set up a Royal Commission to investigate the abolition of trial by jury. “They’re all thick, and they ask stupid questions, and they don’t always get it right,” said a senior judge.
Daniel Day Lewis is to be knighted in the Birthday Honours. “I’m relaxed about being called Sir Dan,” he said, slipping into character for his next role in a biopic of Alan Sugar.
Standard & Poors and Fitch plan to upgrade the U.K. to a new credit rating, AAA+++. “Them Moodys always gets it wrong, innit?” said a spokescomputer.